This tract is an example of Criss Piss at his most brilliant and provocative, reprinted from his own California 'zine, ONUS circa 1993. The opinions represented herein are Criss' own unique perspective —we neither endorse nor take responsibility for them, although we think they are funny as hell.
—Sr. Baphemetis Continuity, Editor

This may be YOUR LAST CHANCE!

Are you a “Christian”? Are YOU “Born Again”? Are you “SAVED”? Are you “Washed in the BLOOD of The Lamb”? Well, if you are, it's no “accident” that you are reading this pamphlet RIGHT NOW! This little tract could change your ETERNAL LIFE! This little booklet could be the most important thing you'll ever read, because it concerns the fate of YOUR IMMORTAL SOUL! This little message could be YOUR LAST CHANCE!

Where will I spend Eternity?

Think about it. Where will you go when you die? Where does the flame go when you blow out the candle? Will you go to Heaven or will you go to Hell? Or will you just be dead forever? Well, if you're a Christian, you already know the answer. You'll go to Heaven when you die, to be with your God forever.

DEATH IS EVERYWHERE

As we all know, DEATH is Ever Present. Any of us could kick-off at any time. You could be hit by a bus or struck by lightning JUST FOR READING THIS TRACT. You could have a heart attack or catch a stray slug in the Drug Wars. Either way you'll be dead dead dead. Even if you die of old age, at home, in your bed, “IT IS APPOINTED UNTO MAN ONCE TO DIE” (Coloss. XI Ch 9). You have to die. But where you spend ETERNITY is UP TO YOU! Remember, God gave you free will! Christian, I'm here to tell you the Good News! You DON'T HAVE TO GO TO HEAVEN!

HEAVEN OR HELL?

By all accounts, Heaven is a dull place, populated by De-Sexed Angels and smug, holier-than-thou prigs. Smoking is not permitted and the chief occupation seems to the perpetual praising of a jealous and insecure God of Love and Goodness. Hell, on the other hand, is a hot, happening place with plenty of Sex and Thrills Galore. Most of the people you know will be there, and many friends and lovers will be reunited. The good people, party poopers, censors, hypocrites and evangelists will not be allowed in but will have to watch from Heaven knowing that “There but for the grace of God, go I.”

YOU MUST CHOOSE

Would a God of Love really crucify his Own Son? Did Jonah really live for three days in the belly of a whale? Is Santa Claus really coming to town?

YOU MUST DECIDE

Only you can choose, but this helpful tract is here to guide you to Do The Right Thing.

SATAN IS COOL

Christians in general have a lot of misconceptions about Satan and His Kingdom. But the facts are simple: “YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE GOOD TO GO TO HELL.”

Anyone can go. We're not asking you to break all 10 commandments today; start out slow, a venial sin: tell a lie, lust in your heart, masturbate. See how EASY it is! Soon you'll be able to step up to the Big Time and STEAL, LIE, SWINDLE AND MURDER with the best of them. Commit ADULTERY! Cheat on your Taxes! You'll be amply rewarded —in this life and the next! By the time you die your carnal body will be able to withstand the kind of Hard-Core Jollies available in Hades!

“DO IT” TODAY

Just say this simple prayer and fill out the handy form. Satan Does the Rest!

“Dear Jesus, I know I asked you into my heart but now I'm asking you nicely to leave. I want to go to Hell when I die and be with all the Cool People. Satan, I adore you and worship you like a God and I want to be with you always. NEMA!”

Did you “do the right thing?”
Check one:

        [   ]  Yes! Christianity is stupid!

        [   ]  No! I'm too chicken.

Cr 1990 ZSM
Zionica Satanica Masonica; Div. SecHum Co.

< Back to Vol. IV, No. 4 Cover